Saturday, March 30, 2013


What got me out of bed, discard my sob towel and take a long shower. 

Realizing I smell like tears and sweat from nightmares. That I have been going to work in Fit Flops and pants, tied up hair and zero make up because my eyes were sore. Glasses and big loose tops.

The feeling of picking myself back up is awesome. Last Wed I cried and prayed the most in these 10 days or more. I think an angel yanked me out of bed and dragged me to the mirror.

My eyes were swollen with dark rings, I had greasy hair and untrimmed eyebrows. I opened my windows and felt unaccustomed to the breeze. I looked around and saw a lot to do.  

Perhaps the best feeling was the long shower. For the first time after so many days, I felt hungry. I gobbled down dinner and my mother smiled.

Then I took these few days to clean up my room, do laundry, change bed sheets, colour my nails, tie up my curtains, run in the park and do my assignment. 

Last night, I slept like a baby and woke up this morning without any recollection of painful dreams.

My heart still aches every now and then. But I think I can stop crying for awhile now.

Whenever I feel like crying again, I think back of the day when I sat in my clean room with wet hair and i'm wrapped in a towel. I took deep breathes, I smell my fruity shampoo and it felt good. 

It's not the shampoo or the strawberry, perhaps it's simply feeling like I see the light again.

Fat and alone. Much like Bridget Jones in the beginning. But it's okay, she made it too.

Monday, March 25, 2013

I walked

It's a busy night. Some car signaled to the right, others trailed behind closely. Everyone seemed to be going somewhere, doing something. And I supposed, he is busy too.

My car wouldn't start for me in the morning, in that moment I was reminded that I'm left behind again. Probably because it won't make much sense to give him a call now. I blinked my red eyes, devastated and tired. A Toyota cruised by me, the man in a cap stared on. He circled the park and passed by my car 4 times. I pretended not to notice and frantically called dad. He said 20 minutes.

Toyota stopped. The short man got out and checked his tyre. Parked right next to me, he stooped low but maintained eye contact with me. Maybe his intentions are good. My neighbour got out of the house and started wiping his car, I felt brave and got out. As I did, he approached me.

"Nape mui? Kereta rosak ke? Mai I tengok, buka depan?" and tapped twice on my car.

Dad showed up. The familiar taxi stopped right in front of my car. Toyota backed off but tried to make conversations with dad. I got a ride to work.

The day was filled with tears. Pain and sorrow filled me. I pulled through, but evening came and I had to go home.

I took a shutter bus to the Bangsar LRT, then the train to Asia Jaya. The  train is filled with immigrants, what is Msia turning into? Someone bought McD, smells delicious. I seldom go for junk food like these since I met him, he inspires me to stay healthy, and when I can't help it, I try my best.
I looked around and saw a couple standing at a corner we stood three weeks ago. I had an off day and he took me shopping. We took the train and I remembered gazing up at him, how handsome. I would grin and he would ask "What's up bum? What you want?".

My battery is low. I could call my parents but I didn't want to. I have coins and his number by heart.

I got off the train and followed the crowd to the bus stop. I sat and wondered, maybe if I call him, he would come. I used to pick him up here, we used to be so determined to make our relationship work for the long run. Depressing, how we give up after 2 years of trying. I didn't know what was I thinking,  but I stood and started walking.

Tears gushed down my face. I looked up and wondered why am I never worth the fight, loyalty or hardships. I've never broken up with anyone before.

"Sigh, loser irene..."

Clutching tight to my pink bag, I followed a group of ladies and walked across the road.

"Irene don't be crazy. Go back and call someone."

The weather was still. I breathed heavily as I tried to catch up with the group of ladies chattering in foreign language. They turned and saw me, smiled. I turned and saw few more people, I felt safe.

I walked along the dusty Federal Highway. I chuckled as I skipped across puddles of water. The jam is bad. I thought of how hungry he is everytime he comes and pick me up, especially after a long jam. Om nom nom nom all the biscuits that I would bring him. Then he gets thirsty.

"Baby got water?"
"Got! Nahh."
"Open for me laaaa."
"Hehe, nahh open adie."

I thought to myself how little I appreciated him when I had him. How little those moments meant and now I would give everything to open a bottle of water for my baby again. I would give better back massages, hold his hand a little tighter, tip toe a little higher for a kiss on his perfect lips, cook for him without making excuses and fight much lesser than ever.

Thud! I tripped and fell. Clumsy as ever.

I walked quite far now. If you walk on Federal Highway, you'll be amazed at the number of people that walks too. That the suspicious cars parked by the road truly hopes for a car crash. They held walkie talkies and squat by the road, uses profanities excessively and doesn't bother passer bys like me.

Some stopped at the bus stop. I wondered if I should stop too. Then I saw someone continuing the journey, so I trailed along. I learned that if you just walk and let your mind wander, you can travel the furthest distance. I came to Subang Jaya. Still sobbing like a silly girl. What a crazy thing to do.

I cried the most today. As I stood by the traffic light I remembered arguing with him just because he didn't wanna do anything else other than dinner. I yelled, he yelled, but we made up, hugged and kissed after. He parked into a space and just to sort things out. We apologized to each other and I felt a sense of peace inside me when it ended.  I knew there and then, that he was perfect for me. Gobbling down his favourite dry Bak Kut Teh, he would sneer at me for being impulsive and irrational.

"Eh leh, a bit a bit wanna angry." he would tease.

I sat on the swing. Right across me, a group of youth is singing along to a guitar praising Jesus. How queer, this feeling within me. So disturbed yet I can cry no more. My heart is broken and my mind is adrift. I slowly walked home.

My trusty Fit Flops looked tired too. The house was dark, I didn't bother the lights. I went up my room,  fell into my bed and closed my painful eyes.

I can only count on it to hurt less day by day. Till the day I no longer run into the toilet crying. Till the day he moves on with another girl will probably be the day I wake up.