Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Shade

Heart beats fast,
It's one of the Sunday afternoons startled from a nap.
Sweat drips, uncontrolled thoughts,
Emotions swirling like the floor fan.

Heat is stroking my skin, painfully.
The sun beams through the old fashion window,
Heart is anguish, sorrowful,
Mind filled with thoughts of nothing, but him.

Birds chirping, like gossips among lonely ladies.
It is 4.28 in the afternoon, where could love be?
Will it come back, will it fade,
Patience and mercy, come be my shade.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Recovery

Okay, so here I am writing about recovering from yet another relationship.

Like what Fergie said in her "Clumsy" song -

You know this ain't the first time
This has happened to me, this love sick thing
I like serious relationships
And a girl like me don't stay single for long
'Cause every time a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up
And bites me and I'm back

I never ever, ever ever, ever in my life, ever ever ever thought I would understand a song like  this. Especially after she repeats the lyrics that comes after 16 times. Even some of Joseph Arthur's dark poem would sometimes seem understandable. Now that I get pop, i'm not sure if I'm happy about it.

But, yeah, the recovery.

It's too many a times that I've felt this way. The depressed days, the hallucination (emo imagination), the never-ending tears and questions to God, the wheel of self-comfort and self-loathe. Even talking about it to friends seem pointless. It's a point where they go .. "WHAT, AGAIN? LOL." instead of "are you doing okay?".

I found a few great friends though, one in particular that revealed a silver lining from this, and something that I never heard of about myself. He said:

"Irene, when you love, you always give it all you got. Then it breaks, and you break along. But what is most amazing, is that you always find the strength to pick yourself up, and then fall right back in love again. That's the most special thing about you."

I guess we can look at it two ways, either Irene is just a silly hopeless romantic, or she just really believe in love. I know too many people who got hurt once, and never recover. But recovering is the best part, it's the part where you rest and give yourself time.

Then another friend said something that made me doubt what the first guy said. He said:

"Irene, you are so messed up."

That makes sense too.

I guess this part is always the hardest. But there are parts where I feel alive, like taking my new dog for a walk in the park at night. The weather is breezy, no annoying kids attempting to touch her, or stupid teenage girls making goggly eyes at her and then at her boyfriend (like Ted from Scrubs would say "Why should they be happy?"), and Peaches is just happily running around attacking leaves and sometimes my feet.

The breeze, the silence amidst the busy city.

It's nature telling you to live, it's God saying you'll make it through, and it's me realizing that I will be okay again.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Pretty dresses, pretty lies.

Here I am, seated in front of my laptop. Clothes are sprawled all over the floor. Folding them as I gather my thoughts.

It started with opening my cupboard door today. Determined by force. Painfully pulling out dresses and flinging them on the floor as I swipe through every hanging piece.

I loved these dresses, I loved these pants. But I see them hanging in my closet every day, waiting for me to put them on and take them out again. It saddens me.

It's a sigh and bye each time I try them on. Putting them back gets more painful each time.

These pretty clothes don't fit me anymore.

I know, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw now. Whining about clothes and life. Except she looks good typing in skimpy attire.

I feel like Michelin and I feel like Sylvia from The Nanny. I feel like I've been the Biggest Gainer.

Ah. Being a girl is not easy.

Sometimes I wonder, why do people let themselves go? Yet at the same time, convinced deep within that they are still doing a-okay despite whatever the photos in people's camera tell them? What are they waiting for, is it a miracle? Or maybe a wake up call.

Would it be too late then?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Parenting, are you doing it right?

"You will always be a failure"  
"You will never reach your dreams"

Has anyone ever grew up with these two familiar lines - that you will never be great in life? I'm not too sure if this is an Asian parenting style that is suppose to serve as a motivation for the poor child to prove his/her parents wrong, but I think this has got to be one of the most painful mental abuse.

It burns into your head, leaving a permanent scar in your brain. And the symptoms varies from being self-destructive to as simple as being unable to accept any form of compliment.

"I think you're really pretty."
"Liar! Why would you say that?!" *pulls out an axe*

In Asia, people tend to bring up their children very differently. It can be:

- The ol' sugar CANE
("pain on your body, pain in my heart")

- Utterly horrible quotes
("you are boy, if you cry, you are girl, boy cannot cry" or "if you keep eating, nobody will love you")

- Grandparents style
(Spoil the grandchild until there is no return and child grows up to be a total disgrace, usually first grandson)

- Western style
( "you're grounded!" - good la, can play gameboy)

What most parents don't know is that what they do or say, is what the child grows up to be. A child is born like a pure white piece of paper, and as they grow up, everything is recorded on the paper.

Everything from "good job son!" to "you bastard child" makes the person.

Some parents does psychological harm without realising it. Many turned their backs too quickly as the child comes running, shutting the door behind them. And we wonder, what is wrong with society? -Why are there so many crazy people out there trying to kill each other, rapists and thieves, people who abuse and willingly abused, selfish people on the road, old folks dying alone in the care centres and new borns abandoned in bins? Why do people look for addictions, why are some people workaholics?

Parents argue that it is not their fault, that they cannot be 100% responsible. They blame it on the society, which actually is made up of people with parents too. They blame it on the government and the education system, also created by people with parents. They blame it on God, well good luck winning the case. But hey, if you bring a person into this world - that person is your responsibility. Her happiness and tears, her choice of words and actions and friends, people she finds comfort in, her relationship with God, her thinking and her character are all affected by the man and woman that created her in the very first place.

For those who are damaged, sometimes we just have to forgive our parents, and see the bigger picture. They probably didn't know better, or that was how they were brought up too. If they have already created the wound, we must let it heal - don't pass it on to the next generation.

Look to the future, it is what keeps me going.